Never Go Home
by JackGirl
Summary: Susan's life from the train wreck to her final breath. She has a choice to make, will she make the right choice? This is the most depressing story I have ever written. Now edited and with an alternate ending.
1. Chapter 1

Here is the first of my edited and updated stories. There is also an alternate ending. I could not help it, I'm a sucker for happy endings! :)

Enjoy... Or something like that...

Normal, _Susan's thought_

* * *

Part One

Where once was light  
Now darkness falls

Once been light in her eyes, they had danced and sparkled. But no longer, now they are flat and dead. They match her empty heart, hollow and dark. She vaguely remembers feeling happy and full of life, and even some dark corner of her mind morns its loss, but it is gone. Her eyes are dark with both hate and knowledge. Hate toward herself for all the things that she has done, for all the things she has failed to do. Hate for the void that was once filled by an imaginary lion, even though she knows ridiculous that it was. How ridiculous she had been. But no longer, she is an adult now. It is not mindless hate, she knows, she understands, she was once foolish enough to believe. She had been foolish to hold on. No longer, she has moved on, well on. Her mind is firmly in reality now.

Where once was love  
Love is no more

Her family is gone. The empty holes, ones that her siblings had once filled in her heart, are fast filling with rage. How dare they? Just because she had grown up; just because they had failed to. Why had they not been able to see? It is best for all if her siblings would simply stop pretending. They had once shared a bond, that bond had been stretched thin over the past several years. Every time they fell back into the old ways it was pulled a bit tighter and she pulled just as much in the opposite. Now the bond had snapped. She was leaving, she could not take anymore of this.

Don't say goodbye  
Don't say I didn't try

_What's the point of saying goodbye? They are only talking about that phantom daydream. They will come to their senses soon enough. And when they do I won't rub it in, I will simply embrace them and introduce them to the real world. In the back of my mind I hear them mention going to the train station, but I do not care, I need to catch a taxi to the airport, I don't want to be late._

* * *

Part Two

These tears we cry  
Are falling rain

_My tears blend with the rain that pours down in never ending sheets. So much death in one day. If only they had come to their senses. I know it is foolish to blame them, but if they had only grown up! I cannot blame Lucy, she would follow her brothers anywhere. Edmund, well he was just being immature, but boys mature slower than girls anyway. But Peter, Peter had no excuse. He is-was an adult. He should have known better. Fools the lot of them._

For all the lies you told us  
The hurt, the blame!

_How can you have lied to your selves for that long? Deranged, that's the word to describe you. Mental, you believed that an imaginary land with an oversized cat could be better than this world. No wonder you were outcasts. It's too late now. The dirt begins to cover their coffins, they are lost forever to the darkness._

And we will weep to be so alone  
We are lost  
We can never go home

She wanders aimlessly through the streets. Unable to return to an empty house, unknowing who to turn to for help. She does not know why she weeps, is it for the loss of her family? Or is it the overwhelming loneliness that fills her soul? The place that once was home to her has died with its occupants. Now, she can never go home.

* * *

Part Three

So in the end  
I'll be what I will be

Her life is filled with late nights, long parties, and strings of boyfriends. She is a model by trade. A young beauty that, even though she denies it, has a royal bearing. She knows she is popular, she knows she is beautiful, she has all that she ever wished for, but she does not care. He r smiling face is nothing more than a mask. She has chosen this fate, she knows it too. She knows that it's too late to turn back now, she has gone too far. She is lost, to the world and herself.

No loyal friend  
Was ever there for me

_How can one person be so alone amidst so many people? I know they are my friends; at least that is what they claim. But they do not understand me. How could they? They have led the life of ease. They do not understand this kind of loss. They never will. I walk through the throng, a smile, a cheerful greeting, nothing is felt, all is assumed. All I want to do is leave. There was once when I would have killed to get into a party like this. Now all I want is for it to end. All the purpose has gone from my life. All the joy, the warmth, the light, left my life when they died._

Now we say goodbye  
We say you didn't try

_Never again. How could he? I will never again go out with a Frenchman. Never. I can hear him walking behind me, chasing me, telling me he loves me and it was not what it looked like. _Oh yes, Pierre, I know what I saw_, my mind yells at him, but I cannot open my mouth. My jaws are clenched too tightly. I love you, how many times has he told me that? Now I realize with certain clarity that he never meant it._

These tears you cry  
Have come too late

_He looks ridiculous, and for a moment I consider telling him that. But I don't. I will not acknowledge him, he has dropped below that point. I continue walking, leaving him behind. Leaving everyone behind. I hail a cab, right now all I want is to go back to my flat and cry. I mindlessly give the cabbie directions and lean back against the cushion. I take one look over my shoulder and see Pierre standing there, for a moment I consider going back to him, telling him that I do love him, that I will always love him. But I know that I don't love him. Then it is to late to tell him because the cab has moved away. One last glance then Pierre was gone forever._

Take back the lies  
The hurt, the blame!

_I will the cab to go faster. I need a drink, a stiff one at that, to drown out my pain. He told me that he loved me; he told me he was true. I never believed him, I just hoped. Shows me what I get for hoping. Hope left this world long ago. I tell the cabbie to hurry up, that I will pay him more if he gets me there faster. Hope. What a crazy notion. Some people cling to it as if it is their lifeline. If only they knew the truth. I know the truth, hope is just a silly idea that we cling to because it makes us feel better. Hope does not exist._

And you will weep  
When you face the end alone

For one brief and shining moment, the head of The Lion appears to her, but still she refuses to acknowledge Him. He used to be hope for her, and now that she has rejected hope, she has also rejected Him. For the short and pivotal ride home a battle is waging in Susan's mind. A battle for her very soul. For a moment, the light and dark are equal, then the brilliant pure light of Aslan shines through into her heart for the first time in a long time, only to be quenched by the darkness that has consumed her mind and soul for many years. For one instant, Susan knows peace, but then it is gone, replaced by familiar anger and despair. The sound of squealing tires and honking horns are the last sounds that Susan Pevensie ever hears upon this earth. Her heart plunges into eternal darkness, and the shining light that was once Queen Susan the Gentle is snuffed out forever. Susan never makes it home, in any sense of the word. Not to her flat in London, or her true home in New Narnia. That place was forever blocked to her the moment she shut out Aslan.

You are lost  
You can never go home

It was a dark and rainy day that Susan Pevensie forever became one with the earth. Many people attended, coworkers, "friends", anyone who considered themselves important enough. There were four there that the others could not see. A young lady, regal head bowed, tear stains tracing down her cheeks. A young man, his dark hair in sharp contrast to his silver crown, unable to control his grief. And beside him stood a third man. Magnificent even though he had tears of unimaginable sorrow streaming down his face. The forth was not a human at all, but a lion. His great head bowed with the grief of loosing one of his own children. Susan had lost her way, and would never be able to come home to Him, or them, again. Never would the cries of "Long live Queen Susan!" echo in New Narnia, never would her quiet laughter be heard, never would the four be whole again.

You are lost  
You can never go home

* * *

Still soo sad! Anyway, the song is "Gollums Song" from the Two Towers soundtrack. Please Review!

Thanks, Jacquelyn


	2. Altarnet Ending

Here is the alternative ending. I hope you enjoy it.

* * *

For one brief and shining moment, the head of The Lion appears to her, but still she refuses to acknowledge Him. _You can never go home._ The thought echoes in her head, she knows she has already made her decision. She knows that it is too late. But the seed has been planted. For the short and pivotal ride home a battle is waging in Susan's mind. A battle for her very soul. The darkness has the upper hand, it is what she has clinged to for many years. But the seed that was planted by Aslan's arrival grows, a part of her clings to the spark of hope, begging for Him to come back into her life. But the part that lives in darkness is stronger. For one instant, Susan knows peace, but then it is gone, replaced by familiar anger and despair. Then Susan Pevensie made a decision. _Aslan_. Was the last thought that she ever had upon this earth. The squealing tires and honking horns are lost in its echo. Susan never made it back to her flat in London, but that did not matter because she had finally made it home.

You are done  
You can now go home

It was a dark and rainy day that Susan Pevensie forever became one with the earth. Many people attended, coworkers, "friends", anyone who considered themselves important enough. But the people who were important to Susan chose not to attend. Instead they gathered around her and embraced her. For so long three, now four again. And Susan felt something she had not felt in far too long. Whole. Complete. Perfect. Home. Forever the cries of "Long live Queen Susan!" would echo in New Narnia, forever would her quiet laughter be heard, forever would the four be whole again.

You are home,  
You will never go back

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Please read and review! Also, the lyrics are no longer from the same song. Actually they are not from any song. Anyway...

Thanks, Jacquelyn


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